Below are the 9 most recent journal entries recorded in freakonaleash23's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, December 27th, 2006
5:20 pm	Annoying What doesn't he understand about I need some space. He has called me more in the last week than he did in one month that we were together. It's really starting to get annoying. (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 12th, 2005
7:43 pm	Curley Sue THINGS ABOUT YOU 1. Are you male or female? 2. How old are you? 3. Do you have piercings/tattoos? If so, how many, what kind, and how much did they cost? 4. Are you single. If not, who's the significant other? 5. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? 6. What grade are you in? Where do you go to school? 7. Are you a virgin? 8. If you were to put yourself into a stereotype, what would it be? HAVE YOU EVER...? 9. Gotten drunk? 10. Got stoned? 11. Wanted to kill someone? 12. Been dumped? 13. Dumped someone else? 14. Changed who you were for that special someone? 15. Doubled back on your way through the hallways to see that special someone you like? 16. Crushed so bad you accidentally wrote his/her name on your homework instead of you own name? 17. Forgotten your name when somebody asked you it? 18. Got a speeding ticket? 19. Helped a little old lady cross the street? 20. Sworn at your teacher/principal? 21. Cried to get out of trouble/chores? 22. Hit on your doctor? Your teacher? 23. Got annoyed when someone spoke a language you didn't understand? 24. Hated your brother for playing videogames 24/7? 25. Stayed up for more than 36 hours? 26. Been caught on a porn site? 27. Bit a person for no reason? GIRLS ONLY 28. Have you ever broken up with your boyfriend because you yelled at him when it was your time of the month? 29. Do you get embarassed when you go to the store to buy feminine products and the cashier was a male? 30. Did your bra come unsnapped suddenly in the middle of a public area and somebody notticed? If so, were you embarassed? 31. Have you spent more money on your dress than your boyfriend did on his tux? 32. Have you wanted to kidnap one of your baby cousins because he was so cute and you wanted to raise him? GUYS ONLY 33. Have you ever gone hunting and actually got a trophy game? 34. Does the thought of your girlfriends feminine things in your bathroom cabinet scare you? 35. Have you ever shaved using a woman's razor/shaving cream? 36. Have you ever played contact football without pads? 37. Ever got supspended for fighting in school? PREFERENCES 38. Coke/Pepsi? 39. Chocolate/Vanilla? 40. Guys/Girls/Both? 41. Tech Crew/Acting Crew? 42. Gym Class/Health Class? 43. Home Depot/Lowes HI? 44. CSI/Law and Order? 45. YIM/AIM? 46. Cable/Dial-up? 47. Football/Soccer? PREFERENCES OF THE OPPOSITE SEX (or same sex, if it's your preference) 48. What's the first thing you look for? 49. Would you date a beautiful dumb person or a smart normal looking person? 50. Atheletic or just skinny? (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 13th, 2005
2:39 pm	Confused Love So it all started when I moved here eight years ago. I met this really nice guy, immature of course because who isn't at seven. For some reason I had a crush on him, a huge one that lasted seven years. We used to play this odd game of being vampires and trying to bite people, don't know if we actually bit them. When we played house some how me and him were always husband and wife. I was too young, he was too young to understand out what love was. I knew he had a crush on me and I love flirting with and taunting him. Nothing happened, we never kissed or went out. He moved away around 1999, I was still very immature and naive. When I heard he was moving I thought it was to some house down the street, but little did I know it was states away. At some point I thought it was all a bad dream, that one day I would wake up from this nightmare and everything would be back to normal. But it didn't work out that way, I went years without seeing them. All I had of them was memories, emails, letters, pictures and every once and awhile a phone call. I thought there was a good chance I would never see them again. During this years, I never thought of the guy that I had a huge crush on, I guess you could say out of sight out of mind. Everything was good I had a huge crush on Daniel, the most perfect guy in the world that was oddly like Johnathen. I was actually falling in love with him. Then Johnathen and his family moved back to Michigan in 2002. I was mostly happy because I got to see my friends again, but in a way it was soo bad. I then thought I was in love with two guys, but thats not possible. One of the guys I loved as a friend the other as a life long partner. I contemplated for months, who did I really love? Who was I meant to be with? I knew the only way I could find out is to go out with one of them and see if that flame that I thought was a boyfriend type love fizzled out. I didn't want to hurt either of the guys by going out with them then breaking up with them. I figured I knew Johnathen better and I knew he was a sweet, forgiving guy. So soon after I went to his sister's birthday party. Just so happens I was flirting with him like usual and got dared to kiss him, of course I did it. A week, I think, later we started going out. At first, it was like a normal relationship well I little more I loved him, but soon after the flame started to fizzle out. I kept on going out with him for months, because I didn't want to hurt him and especially not after three weeks of going out with him. Finally, I got up the courage to do it, I knew it wasn't fair to him, he could tell something was up because I was drifting away. I hardly talked or smiled, I don't think I kissed him for awhile. I thought he was mad at me, well I couldn't blame him. But I still wanted us to be friends, but wasn't for sure if we could. I guess you could say I used him to find out who I was truly in love with. Was that wrong? Probably, but isn't it wrong to let me go on wondering if the other person was my true love? I accomplished my mission, I knew I was truly in love with Daniel. Don't get me wrong, I love Johnathen just as a friend. I thought he hated me, until yesterday. It was weird at first he was uncomfortable, but then when he loosened up it was like we had a better relationship then before. I felt more comfortable around him then ever, maybe before we just had that weird I like you, you like me and we flirt with each other but we are not going to go out. Then we went out and I just didn't feel that awkwardness, I could just be straight forward with him and be his friend. I was even comfortable about talking about my relationship with Daniel, even though I knew he didn't like it. I tried to stop, but because they are so much alike everything he said or did reminded me of Daniel. I was completely comfortable with him talking about his new girlfriend. Maybe I'm weird, but I just don't get jealous, never have never will. I was hesitant about every move I made, I thought if I told Daniel that this happened would he be mad? He looked me in the eyes last night and said I love you, is it true love? Sometimes I was afraid he was gunna pounce on me and kiss me, but I knew he respected me more then that. Sorry if I hurt you. (Comment on this)
Monday, February 14th, 2005
12:56 pm	The End I woke up today to the lovely sound of my mom screaming at me. I'm completely going nuts in this house. I truly just want to end my life. If I was gone no one would have to deal with me. I can't stand going to sleep at night knowing I'm going to wake up in this house. I thought my medicine and maybe a couple of therapy sessions would cure everything. I was absolutely wrong, I think I have actually gotten worse. My dad thinks I'm weak now, I cried in front of him yesterday. I have never cried this much in my whole life. I have so much pent up emotion that even with all the crying I feel the need to cut. Not just cut one deep gash, but a million deep gashes. I just thought about how weird it would be for me to kill myself on Valentine's Day. I really wonder if today is my last day, if I will take my last breath. I wonder if I will find the right bottle of pills and take the right amount of them, if I will cut deep enough to let all my emotions and pain drain out of me. Current Mood: gloomy Current Music: Getting Away with Murder by Papa Roach (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 6th, 2005
4:20 pm	My letter to Daniel Do you... really love me? think I'm trying to push you away? wish I would just kill myself? think I'm not really a cutter? think I'm afraid to kill myself? want to leave me? think I'm testing you love? think I'm not really anorexic? Are you... afraid of me? afraid to love me? going to leave me? Have you... ever lied to me? thought I was crazy? wished I was dead? got disgusted by me talking about cutting? I know that I test your love and try to push you away. I'm not the same person you fell in love with. Instead of the sweet, innocent girl I am now showing my evil twin. The one that hates Brian and shouldn't. There are some girls out there that have been physically and sexually abused by their dads, but they don't hate them they actually love them. What has my dad done so wrong for me to hate him so much? I guess maybe the fact that he left me and my mother for months to go be in the army. When he came back he wasn't the sweet, loving dad that I used to fall asleep with. He changed into to a monster. I watched him beat up and mentally abuse my half-brother. I heard him call me and my mom names. He let my mom think he was cheating on her who knows maybe he did cheat on her. When he would beat up my half-brother sometimes I wish it was me he was beating up. My half-brother can't and won't fight back, I would have. Why didn't he call me names more often instead of my brother? Or why didn't he at least say the shit he was to my face instead of telling to my mom? I went to sleep hearing my dad say I was stupid. I hate him for the way he treated my family. I hate waking up struggling. Struggling to make it through the day without cutting or hurt myself in any way. Struggling to put a smile on my face. Struggling not to just say what is really wrong when people ask, I struggle to say "nothing." But I do it because I know that don't really want to know what is wrong. I struggle not to cry, but crying means your weak. You never show people your weakness. I struggle to be perfect, because thats what your supposed to be. I struggle not to stand up at one of my mom's family gathering and say "I'm in therapy, I cut, and I hate Brian" because I know she hasn't told them because she is ashamed. But she sure isn't ashamed to tell my dad's side of the family. I struggle not to stab Brian to death. I know it sounds psychotic, but my perfect way to die would be stab Brian to death and then kill myself. I know that if I killed Brian I could die peacefully knowing that he won't hurt my half-brother and mom anymore. I'm sorry that I try to push you away. I guess I'm afraid that your going to abandon me like Brian. If you stay with me I'll just bring you down into my dark basement which is kinda like a museum. A museum of dispair that if filled with depressing paintings and artifacts. In one you'll see Brian abandoning me and my family, in the other you'll see Brian beating up my half-brother, in another one you'll see me being mentally abused by Brian. The artifacts are my trusty knife, the empty bottle that was once filled with pills (my suicide attempt), then on the other side you'll see the letter and straw you gave me. But I never see that side, I'm trapped reliving and revisiting the depressing side. I'm afraid that if I stay with you one day you'll "fix" me. You'll bring me into a new, strange world. This happy place where little bunnies are hopping around, there are flowers everywhere, and everyone is happy. But in a way I want you to bring me to that place. I know its confuzing, I'm confuzing. I'm sorry for letting you see the other side to me. But now you know the real me, both the good and the bad side. I'm sorry I know I play mind games. I push you away not wanting you to come in because I let my dad in. When I was younger I fell asleep in his arms and let him come in but he ripped up everything inside me. He never even said he was sorry. I'm just afraid that you'll do the same thing. I'm sorry. I hope that you can forgive me and let me ask "Will you be my valentine and love of my life again?" Love always and forever, Stephanie (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 5th, 2005
2:18 pm	Broken Inside I think it's all over. Everything its all said and done. The magic is gone, he has woken up and realized I'm not the one for him. I am waking up from my dream. The dream that I once had, where I was confiding in the love of my life. Where there was a guy who actually loved me. I finally could say no to those sex hungry guys that would always sexually harass me in one way or another. My tears were once of happiness. Reading his sweet sayings and just being so happy that he called that I would actually cry. He doesn't even look at me the same, he used to look at me with love and passion in his eyes. Now his eyes are so cold they pierce through my heart leaving little scars each time. I guess my worse fear is coming to get me. The fear that one day he would fall out of love with me. I wake up crying from my nightmares, trying to reach for someone to hold me. But no one is there and I realize I am alone. The saying that comes to mind is "Tis better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all." Those few months were the best time of my life. But the next fifty years of my life are going to be the hardest of my life. I dunno if I will even last fifty hours, it's very easy to overdose at my house. I guess only time will tell. Current Mood: crushed Current Music: Ticks and Leeches by Tool (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 23rd, 2005
10:38 am	Coming Close I have a feeling that I will I try to kill myself soon. I can't explain how I know or think that I'm going to try to kill myself. I just hope this time I finally accomplish my goal. I just can't stand being me. I get annoyed with myself. Every minute I yell at myself and punish myself. I would just truely be better off dead. And everybody I know would have a better life without me. I hope I'm not too late I hope that you're ok I left in a hurry As soon as they told me So I prayed for you Hang on till tomorrow Just don't leave me here today I'm coming home to you (Should've been there) Should've been there I wanted to (Should've been there) Should've been there right next to you (Should've been there) Should've been there to comfort you (should've been there) Should've been there to sing to you (should've been there) Should've been there to hold your hand (should've been there) Should've been there to be with you After all that we've been through Yes, it's hard to say goodbye And what I wish right now is to somehow turn back time With all of the love And respect That I hold right here for you Hang on till tomorrow Just don't leave me here today I'm coming home to you Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 20th, 2005
2:55 pm	Failure I couldn't concentrate on anything today. I just felt so alone. I feel as though I can't confide in anyone. I all I could think about is how I wanted to cut and how mad or disappointed my mom was when she found out I cut. I just feel as though nobody that I know can I understand how hard it is to stop cutting. They don't know how you get even more depressed after you try to kill yourself and you aren't successful. You just think "I am a failure once again. I can't even kill myself." I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. I just want to cut myself. I just can't live like this anymore. Depression is slowly killing me inside. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Suicide is Painless by Marilyn Manson (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 19th, 2005
7:59 pm	I miss you Daniel Gregory :heart: I haven’t seen Daniel Gregory in like a week. It makes me sad T_T. I can barely make it through the day. Every moment I think about if he is ok and how I can’t wait to get out of school to talk to him. I was so scared that he committed suicide today. I don’t know why, maybe because he sounded so depressed on the phone yesterday. I saw a new therapist today. I felt really uncomfortable. It was the first appointment so she had my mom come in too. I hate people talking about my cutting and suicide thoughts while I’m there. I hate being a depressed, cutter, who has suicidal thoughts. But I guess it’s better than being cold, hungry, and homeless. Current Mood: gloomy Current Music: Scars by Papa Roach (Comment on this)